fallen in love
i’ve fallen in love
a few times, i think.
the first, with my 8 year old birthday present.
selfish and golden both in spirit and in color,
saved my life. when my second grade self
suddenly had to be the terrified person i shouldn’t have had to be,
i had a baby dog to remind me i was still a baby human
and i’d be just as ok as he was.
the second, with a boy.
a boy who didn’t care, and who convinced me i didn’t care,
that he loved a lot more people than just
- a boy who made us code names, because
that’s all we could ever be to each other. a boy who knew every
inch of my soul, until he didn’t anymore.
then, guess what? another boy.
i can’t say if it was love for sure, i only know it felt like it
once it was over. once i was listening to that song
and pretending he hadn’t called me all of those things,
over and over and over. then forgiving him and then hating him
and forgiving him. finally telling myself
that even if it was love, it wasn’t the good kind.
i fell in love with school.
with binders full of study tips and summer reading lists created entirely by myself,
because school doesn’t go away.
with reading everything i could get my hands on,
with reading everything and letting the idea of college carry me.
i fell in love with working.
finding as many internships as i could get my hands on,
because all these people i worked with were as in love
with it as i was,
their lives just as wrapped up in balancing work and school and
life as mine.
i fell in love with happiness.
middle school wasn’t happiness, so once i’d found it again,
i was in love. yelling songs at the top of my lungs
like you see in those movies and having a group of friends
that felt like forever and ever
and baking cookies for fun like i used to love to do.
but as in most love stories, that goes away.
friends go away.
happiness has to go away so you can feel it and know it
when it comes back.
and it does come back.
most recently, i’ve fallen in love with you.
the one who told me that if you ever acted like boy 1 or boy 2,
that I should just be done with you.
the one who helps my world perception clear,
the one who listens and really hears.
and even if tomorrow this one decided it was no more,
at least this boy loved me like they hadn’t before.