I think I’d rather call it cognitive dissonance.
But the only thing about that practice
is that it’s wrong because it’s not fragments of my mind that aren’t aligning.
If I’m my mind then nothing is really wrong at all,
except that my body is my temple and
i’ve been forced to inhabit it.
But if my body is my temple,
who am I being made to worship?
If it’s my mind, then I’m even more upset
because that’s cognitive dissonance without wiggle room.
Tell me, who’s visiting the temple?
I’m somehow both my mind and my body and whatever is in between or whatever is higher than all of that and maybe i’m on some other dimension or plane of existence or state of being and–
The problem is that all of that doesn’t help right now.
What are metaphysical musings when
hormones or whatever are leaving you depressed beyond common conciliation?
I’ve got a decided mental dogma.
I know what I want and I know how to act and I know how to think,
but all of that doesn’t seem to matter,
in the face of all of this
(bland/nothing/self-pitying/why does everything matter so much)-ness
I kind of hate being a teenager because
it’s not as if anything is coming out of these
silly little down-in-the-dumps-horrible-miserable episodes.
If I’m still wondering if my body is my temple at 34,
I’ll be taking my morning coffee with a teaspoon of bullshit.