give up
give in—
no
<give more>
<give generously>
you’re nothing
you’re worthless—
no
<you’re worth the sun and the stars>
can’t—
no
<can>
don’t—
no
<do>
good thoughts are preposterous—
absolutely not
<good thoughts radiate positive vibes>
ks
I’m not sure if it’s grey or gray, but in the end it doesn’t really matter
everything is blurry
it’s like my ears stopped working
and I can’t see very well
like I’m looking through water
and everyone is swimming
which I guess I am
I don’t know where the crying began
and when I stopped
but now i found myself sitting
in silence
I could smell cleaning products
and the walls were so white
it was almost blinding
but the light bulbs
washed everything away
I stared at the wall
and sometimes
people passed
in blurs of white
blending with the walls
and occasionally blue
I must have sat for hours
without thinking at all
mom came later
and did her mom thing
with the hugging and the worrying
and trying to figure out
just what I’m feeling
dad just sort of stood there
with his hands in his pockets
saying I’m sorry a lot
he doesn’t deal with sadness
too well
they waited
but then we had to go
and I had to say goodbye
I’m used to goodbyes
but they never get easier
no matter how many times
I stood up
and walked to the window
next to the door
the blinds cut my vision
into thin strips
but my brain put the image together
like a puzzle
and I saw her lying there
with her chest moving
up and down
I breathed with her for a while
I walked inside
and stood near the window
to the outside
I remember when
she taught me to play chess
even though I already knew how
and she broke all the rules
and wouldn’t let me take any of her pieces
not even the little pawns
she had cats too
but only two
so not quite crazy
like I said before
she snuck them pieces of her dinner
while we sat around the table
playing cards
when she got sick of chess
she cheated at that too
and she even made me watch
black and white romance films
while I sat on the green couch
with cracks in the leather
and she sobbed
into a box of tissues
she believed in
true love
and all that stuff
I looked outside
the sky was grey
it seemed to know
that something sad was happening
i was still crying
she finally spoke
her voice crackling
like a radio stuck between stations
“henry stop crying”
I turned around
and there she was
mrs laverne
she still wore
those silly green glasses
her skin was worn
and she looked tired
“henry get over here. I’m dying, didn’t you hear?”
I stumbled over, awkwardly
“hi” I muttered
“wow your social skills have really improved”
I didn’t laugh
“you know henry, you’re a good guy.”
“oh thanks.”
“and life sucks, but it will get better”
I thought
about when mrs laverne
bailed me out of jail
she asked me what I knew
about love
I always thought love was stupid
and cheesy
I thought
it was supposed to make you happy
but all I felt was grey
like the sky
but then I thought about
when mrs laverne
made me chicken noodle soup
when I got pneumonia
for two weeks
and when she fixed my car
after I drove into a tree
and she didn’t even tell my parents
I thought
about how she dazed off
and stared
at the photograph
of her son and husband
siting on the mahogany table
in her living room
and I sort of knew why now
“thanks” I finally said
she reached her hand out to mine
her nails were still painted red
I almost smiled
“I’ll miss you henry”
“do you really believe in love?”
“doesn’t everybody? it’s the only reason I’m still alive”
she closed her eyes
and smiled back at me
“goodbye”
“I’ll miss you too mrs laverne. you weren’t so bad”
I walked away
without turning back
in the back of my mind
I wanted to say
see you tomorrow
but I knew it wasn’t coming
I never knew just how much I would miss the glances we would give each other every now and then as we walked
nor did I expect my hands to feel empty with every move I made
I didn’t realize the things I was taking for granted before he left
but now his eyes are filled with infatuation for another
and I’m still here
ks
why did she write
so often
of fireworks
as if she could have become one
exploding into the night sky
finally being noticed
to hear the applause
of the wonder she created
did she solely want to be loved
for the colors that she held
I think of her often
like a foreign film
with scenes
that I have seen before
but can not recall the words of
sometimes
I sit on the steps outside
and try to make myself believe
that she will come again
that I will look down
just as I hear footsteps
denying that it is real
only to find her
looking at me
with twinkling eyes
to grab my hand
and pull me along
for another adventure
I still have the notes
that she passed to me
in the days when I so admired
being noticed
it was enough
that she would write my name
in big letters
with swirling designs inside of them
we would run away
the house shrinking behind us
our shoes slapping the pavement
as we laughed
trying to catch our breath
but running even faster
i can see her looking back at me
our hands still folded into each other
like an envelope
holding a secret
I could hear our whispers
intermingling in the air
as ice cream dripped onto our hands
and covered our mouths
she would have gotten mint chocolate chip
and somehow
we would be talking to the cute boys
and I would be glowing
because that was what happened
she would be bright
and somehow I would be bright too
and we would be an unstoppable force
even when I spilled soda
onto my shirt at the movies
we ran into the bathroom
giggling
hurrying back into the theater
we smiled to each other
as the plot became lost
but I knew that
only she would have left for me
I remember when I knew
I knew that she was leaving
and wasn’t coming back
I saw her again
but never the same
she still glowed and twinkled
but I had to learn to be bright
on my own
I hope
that she still
remembers me
I hope
that she
sometimes
thinks
of the times
when we shined
